What does it mean to ask Jesus into your hearse?

Millennials have brought the world many amazing trends, like man-buns, skinny jeans, cancel culture, and an epidemic of people who can't even. Keeping up the trend of pushing Gen-X and Baby Boomer innovations one step too far is the latest fad in pop-modern Christianity. "Asking Jesus into your hearse" pushes the envelope of the deathbed confession one step further. This makes salvation as easy as logging into an app.

Conventional salvation involves turning to Christ in faith for forgiveness and sanctification. Some refer to this as "asking Jesus into your heart." A common attitude is planning to delay that decision—meaning "after doing all the things I know are wrong but want to pretend otherwise." A few plan for a "deathbed confession"; this is the spiritual equivalent of interrupting the judge during sentencing to ask for a plea bargain.

Truly woke people—even if they're spiritual, but not religious—can install an app, OMGDM. This will send an automated text copy of the sinner's prayer to God when the phone detects that it's inside a coffin. This allows someone to get that whole eternal salvation thing out of the way without even having to "even".

One problem with deathbed confessions is that there is often no deathbed—accidents happen. We're not entirely sure what happens when someone tries to ask Jesus into their hearse, when there is no hearse. Had we been consulted, we'd have suggested a name for the app more accurately describing the likely destiny of those careless about their souls…but "tinder" was already taken.

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