What is agave love?

Agave is a succulent related to yucca and beargrass as well as, more distantly, asparagus. They are often referred to as "century plants," meaning they only bloom once every 100 years; in actuality, it's about every 10-20 years. The "bloom" looks like an alien pineapple on top of a ship's mast that grew out of a humongous aloe-balrog seemingly overnight. While the least pretty flower in Hawaii, agave does have a certain endearing artichokiness.

It is true that agave products have elicited love from their users. This typically manifests in one of three ways.

The first is related to agave nectar, an "all-natural sweetener" that purports to be healthier for diabetics than sugar made from cane or corn. It's true that it is low in glucose, the sugar that causes blood sugar spikes, but, like corn syrup, it is high in fructose, which can damage your liver. The reasonable response, which click-bait internet articles probably won't mention, is to use it in moderation. If someone truly loves agave nectar, this will be difficult.

Blue agave elicits love in some people through the fermentation process that turns it into tequila. Do people love tequila? I think Dwayne Johnson does, but my strongest memory of tequila was from college when Becca flirted with Steve first by out-drinking him and then by spending the rest of the night lying on the floor with her head in a 30-gallon trash can. I think the "love" that comes from tequila has more to do with unwise choices you make when you're drunk. Never trust tequila love.

Finally, agave has been used in folk medicine for some time. Sources say it can treat burns, infections, wounds, jaundice, and toothaches. I can see how someone would love the plant that lives in the backyard and can cure their constipation and dysentery.

So, yes, agave love is real. However, we at your friendly neighborhood Not Questions can't categorically recommend the use of agave nectar for sweetener or tequila to find a romantic partner, and we have no solid evidence of the medical efficacy or safety of using agave for wounds or dysentery. Frankly, we're still frightened by the plant we took a picture of 14 years ago in Hawaii. That thing's terrifying—and it was still several days before that asparagus thing grew to its full, satellite-reaching height. Any friend who would go near that thing for the purpose of helping a friend would be showing authentic, self-sacrificing agape love.

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