What is the Amputated Version of the Bible?

As you might guess, the Amputated Version of the Bible is a translation where every passage that is confusing, offensive, controversial, or affirms something the editors didn't like was removed.

Can't have creation because it might offend evolutionary scientists. Can't have the temptation in the Garden because it's anti-snake. Can't have the part about God choosing Abraham because it's exclusionary. Can't have the ten plagues or the escape through the Red Sea because it's anti-Egyptian. Can't have the land of milk and honey because milk isn't lactose free.

Can't have animal sacrifices because it's murder of our non-human friends. Can't have women because it accurately portrays a historical view of society that is anathema to modern culture.

Can't have Ruth because barley isn't gluten free. Can't have Esther because she maybe did something wrong. Can't have David because he did do something wrong. Can't about Mephibosheth because no one knows how to pronounce his name.

Can't have the Epistles because they include instructions on how to live our lives, which infringes on our freedom. Can't have the Gospels because they say Jesus is the only way to heaven, which infringes on other people's freedom. Can't have Revelation because have you read that thing?!

So, what is left? All the random bits that talk about God blessing people, which, without the context of the surrounding passages, applies to everyone, and Psalm 23.

Except the part about enemies, because we should all get along.

And the part about how we're sheep because that's cultural appropriation.

Aaand the part about oil because olive oil allergies.

Or, as the Amplified Bible says, "oil [olive oil, oil of the olive, oil-like substance that came from an olive-like fruit, greasy-stinky stuff that's good on focaccia]."

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