What is the book of laminations?

At the time of this writing, it is August of 2020. The world is in chaos. Revolutionary soldiers are marching in the streets. All the trees have turned purple and slightly squiggly. And the government has demanded right-handed citizens wear octopuses on their head.

Well, that might be true by the time this is published.

Even more perplexing, schools are planning on reopening. Despite the fact that young children will literally lick everything except their facemasks because they misplaced them last Thursday. Fortunately, the federal government has come up with a plan to keep teachers and children safe from catching and spreading the coronavirus. New requirements include hazmat suits, cleanroom-worthy ventilation systems, and ceiling sprinklers attached to tanks filled with anti-bacterial liquid that will saturate every classroom every 14 minutes.

These regulations are written in the "Book of Laminations," so named because the first regulation is that because paper cannot withstand the disinfectant spray, every piece of paper must be laminated. Every book page, every busy sheet, every one of those paper letters that are stapled to the wall of the kindergarten room. All laminated before school starts. At the teachers' expense, of course.

At least, that's the rumor. No teacher has actually seen the Book of Laminations. It's over 4000 pages long. There's only one copy, allegedly stored in the basement of a CIA warehouse in Houston. No teacher is allowed to see it, in part because the pages are not laminated and in part because the government's afraid the Chinese will steal its secrets.

It's enough to make teachers cry like Jeremiah—the author of the book of Lamentations.

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