What are the seven cheeses of Revelation?

In the book of Rennetations, chapters 2 and 3, the great cheese maker speaks to seven different types of cheese to tell them if they are cheesing in an honorable way. The seven cheeses are real cheeses, but the messages given to them can be applied to other cheeses that aren't mentioned. Here are the cheeses:

Kasseri is a persevering cheese. To make, it must be stirred, ground, stuffed, weighted, fermented, washed, kneaded, spun, salted, and aged for three months. Because it doesn't melt, it is a pure cheese that doesn't mix with fake cheeses like Velveeta. But somewhere along the line it lost its joy in being cheese.

Bieno sirenje is a much-abused cheese. Its bacteria are pure, but while solidifying the fat is literally, repeatedly beaten out of it leaving large holes. It's then left in the hot sun for several days. But it will endure and it will be declared victorious over other, less resilient cheeses.

Parmesan is a hard cheese that withstands outside persecution well, but sometimes it allows itself to be joined with that which is not cheese, like reduced-fat Neufchatel.

Casu Marzu is a cheese made of sheep milk and live maggots, allowed to ferment until everything is rotten. This particular loaf, however, has a solid core of good cheese that just needs to endure in order to be free of the bad.

Brie de Melun is a fermented cheese that allows itself to be covered in mold. It tastes like must and straw. It should follow the ways of Brie de Meaux which has a soft, pure heart and a mild disposition.

Cheddar is a cheese that loves being a cheese. It loves everything—pizza, burgers, tacos, sandwiches, queso dip, apple pie, and chocolate. It can be melted, grated, baked, or shaved. Despite the many attempts to reinvent it—using such things a coconut, zucchini, cashews, and soy—cheddar remains confident in who it is and what its purpose is.

Cottage cheese, on the other hand, doesn't know itself. Is it liquid? Is it solid? Even the liquid is thick and the solid is squishy. It should choose what kind of cheese it's going to be and own that. One taste and you'll spit it out of your mouth.

Whether your church identifies as mozzarella, asiago, or camembert, you can still learn something from the seven cheeses of Revelation: persevere under persecution, retain your love of being cheese, don't let maggots in, and don't be cottage cheese. Not unlike the seven churches.

Unless you're going to be used in lasagna instead of ricotta. Cottage cheese is yummy in lasagna.

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