What is the Dressage Version of the Bible?

The Dressage Version is an ancient translation of the Bible designed for those who like to show off. It’s named for the snooty way snooty people ride horses wearing snooty clothes prance about, while other snooty people applaud them instead of the horse who did the actual work.

Some criticize the Dressage Version for using obscure terms like piaffe, or phrases that don’t mean what they say, like "leg-yield" or "flying change." Others—the target audience of the translation—love these words even more than KJV classics like "peradventure," "implead," and "gainsay."

Unlike KJV-only fans, who wear buckled pilgrim hats and sprinkle words like "thee" in daily conversation, Dressage Versionites give garments ridiculous names like shadbelly coats and tell people they’re wearing "jodhpurs," when they’re just skinny jeans. Both groups, however, are secretly fond of breeches.

However, the biggest problem with the Dressage Version is how it high-steps over theological difficulties and side-steps past problematic passages. The writers felt readers didn't need to be bridled with burdensome issues and made the blanket decision to remove them from the text. You may think such a choice would stir up debate, but they actually found it a cinch.

The text they left in isn't much better. They slicked down the hairy bits, making them unnaturally smooth. For Western readers, the version is saddled with a message that is too small. Everything feels stiff. The cadence feels artificial, and the passages seem to go in circles. Sometimes the pace seems to stomp up and down, covering the same ground; other times, it changes rhythm every other verse.

The Dressage Version of the Bible is for show. It's expensive and although it looks impressive, most people find it impractical for daily use. There are better options. The NASB is good for those willing to draft a heavy theological load. For a trail ride at an easy pace, try the NIV. Practical types cantering between homesteading and school coursers opt for the ESV. But if you just want something to pull out and read by the fire after a long day stringing fences, you could do worse than the Message.

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