What should I look for in a souse?

That depends: do you want to meet a drunk, or eat head cheese?

A classic souse displays stereotypical traits such as imbalance, slurring, hiccupping, droopy eyelids, rumpled clothes, and breath that smells like a distillery. Depending on your preferences, you can always look for one of the unique subtypes. The comedic souse is simultaneously three sheets to the wind and still funny, a la Foster Brooks. Those preferring a less active souse might opt for the sleepy drunk. Martial arts enthusiasts can seek out a beercan brawler to use as an easy sparring partner. The implications of which you choose are not nearly as important as, say, looking for a spouse.

Those unfamiliar with souses might have a hard time finding one. Quick identification can be done by watching the speed at which some people walk. Sober people move relatively quickly; souses take quite a while to get from point A to point B. The difference is staggering.

Those looking for edible souse—called "pickled head cheese" in places like the US—should first consult a friend. Ask this person if you, yourself, might be the other kind of souse. Why you would eat the shredded face-parts of livestock is a question itself, let alone why you'd actively look for it. Anything accurately described as "meat jelly" is probably not a wise choice. Whatever kind you pick is going to be gross, anyway, so knock yourself out.

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