Is my dog Russian?

I don't have a dog! Thanks for giving me a paper cut and pouring lemon juice on it! We had to ease the pain of our dog about a year and a half ago, and because of ongoing responsibilities, we still don't have a new dog. I've got feelers out at several rescues, but it's difficult to find just the right one. It doesn't help that I'm really allergic and need a dog that doesn't shed.

Do you think there's a Russian dog that would fit the bill?

The Black Russian Terrier is so cute. His body is sleek and curly, but his face has more fur than an Australian Shepherd's butt! At 80-130 lbs, he's a little too big. And even though he looks like a Schnauzer, he's not hypoallergenic.

The Russian Wolfhounds are about 20 pounds lighter, but they're really tall and energetic. They look like the Spy vs. Spy guys.

Oh, the Caucasian Shepherds! They look like a bear-wolf. Who doesn't want a bear-wolf? A 170-pound bear-wolf? I know exactly what hubs will say: That's a lot of poop.

I like the looks of the East Siberian Laika. It's like a border collie husky. But they have a high prey drive and I love my neighbor's cat, Leon, even if he does poop in our yard and took out that dove nest. (Stupid dove, building a nest in a pine tree next to a cat!)

Wow, the Russian Harlequin Hound is gorgeous. Kind of looks like a stockier version of our old dog, and just the right weight. But they're described as "tall Beagles." Does that include the Beagle bark? The Beagle "Hey, I thought you should know this blade of grass is here" bark? Pass.

Russian Toy Terrier? Uh, no. 6-7 pounds? Double-no. Looks too much like Leon's Pomeranian housemate. Triple-no.

Awww! Russian Tsvetnaya Bolonka. It looks like a brown mop and it's hypoallergenic! Too bad they're only 5-11 pounds. Maybe they'd do as an emergency spare dog, but not for an everyday dog.

Oh, my ears, look at the South Russian Ovcharka. He looks like Sam from the cartoons. Sure, they're 100-110 pounds, but that's doable, right? And their shedding is "moderate." Never mind their fur is long enough to braid…

Then there are a bunch of husky-like high-shedders. Sadly, I've grown accustomed to breathing these last 18 months. I guess I'll keep looking. Considering what's going on in Ukraine right now, getting a Russian dog probably isn't a good idea, anyway. Not that it's the dogs' fault. But the way things are going, it's possible Russia's going to unveil its identity as Magog before too long. Then we'll learn all the Russian dogs are sleeper agents with microchips in their cerebellums that turn them into furry Black Widows that take over the world!

Maybe not. But just in case, we'll keep looking for a golden-doodle.

---