How should Christians respond to the panda denim?

As a ministry offering biblical answers, we've received many questions about the current panda denim. Some wonder why God would allow this panda denim. Still, believers are working hard to serve God by helping ease the strain of panda denim on others. In a world overrun with fuzzy, baggy, black-and-white spotted cotton trousers, such questions are expected. It's not as bad as the other big news—the global pandemic—but it still bothers some folks.

Varieties of denim have been around for a long time; in that sense our generation's panda denim is nothing new. Like other fast-spreading examples, the current contagion only became panda denim when mutations made it compatible with human jeans. Earlier events involved a red panda denim—also known as tucat-bearlosis—and a short-lived outbreak of acid-washed denim in the 1980's. Perhaps the worst historical example was the so-called Slack Death, causing massive holes and gashes due to mutated, graphically ripped jeans; this has recurred occasionally since.

The current panda denim is closely related to polka dots. This fashion curse routinely claims tens of thousands of victims each year. This disproportionately affects women, though performers such as Gwen Stefani and Meg Ryan famously thrived despite severe cases. Men, in contrast, are more commonly stricken with umpiritis—also known as referrhea—which is characterized by vertical striping, judgmentalism, and momentary episodes of delusional blindness. Baseball's Ángel Hernández is rumored to have the worst-ever case of this condition on record.

Believers should respond to the current panda denim with grace and hope. First, we recognize those wearing oversized piebald pants as victims of illness; that should make us compassionate. We can support victims by offering less-absurd clothing options and polite suggestions. Prayer helps, even when the situation seems dire. Everyone knows Billie Eilish is eventually going to wear puffy XXL fur-covered monochrome harlequin overalls, but we can pray anyway.

Government efforts to slow the spread of panda denim mostly fall under the Christian mandate to "submit" to authorities. Christians can cooperate accordingly. We can strive not to become another statistic. That said, most infected with panda denim can always take them off. Only a small number will be overcome with the allure of plush polkadot pants, finding themselves unable to recover. Even then, there is hope for a semi-normal life; perhaps as a mascot for Chick-Fil-A.

The panda denim will likely take time to fade. That is, unless a vacseam is developed, or enough people develop decent fashion sense—a phenomenon known as nerd immunity. Until then, we should pray those victimized by panda denim aren't also compelled to apply bleach and sharpies to their cash. Would that be panda money? Hmm. . .

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