How can I start a pathetic ministry?

Congratulations! You've decided to jump head-first into the exciting world of ineffective, cringe-worthy, pseudo-faithful religious twiddling, also known as a "pathetic ministry." Before long, you'll be wasting time and resources so fast, people will think you're a member of the British royal family. Truly notable pathetic ministries might even get you a pat on the back from someone whose opinion really means something…like an actor or musician.

The first step, of course, is choosing exactly what kind of pathetic ministry you want. Notice, we didn't say anything about where God has called you—that is not a good way to go if you want the ministry to be pathetic. Au contraire, a pathetic ministry should be focused on your personal ego, obsessions, desires, and preferences.

One option for pathetic ministry is claiming a power Scripture doesn't describe and which God has not actually given to you. You can pretend to tell the future, bring new revelations from God, claim to interpret dreams, toss out declarations of healing like Oprah forking over cars, or "deliver" people from something by tying their problems to a made-up demon. If faith healers can "heal" someone by knocking them to the ground, you can think of something.

One handy way of starting a pathetic ministry begins with identifying a sincere need. For instance, addressing poverty, abuse, fear, misunderstandings about faith, evangelism, teaching, etc. Those are not as easy to make into pathetic ministries, but it can be done. Just focus as much as possible on who gets the credit. Avoid any level of personal sacrifice. Bicker over the tiniest irrelevant details. Spend most of your time and resources telling people what you're [not] doing. Above all, be as partisan and vindictive as possible to people who aren't obsessively worshipful of your exact methods.

In a pinch, you can always slap the word "ministry" on your own personal spiritual failures. This is a great way of deflecting criticism. That's not exactly the same thing as deliberately starting a pathetic ministry, but it's close enough. There are infinite options available, so choose what works for you.

For example, if you're overly critical, unkind, nitpicky, and prone to slander people who don't hold every nuance of your views, just call it "a discernment ministry." Viola! Now you're not just an arrogant, useless-argument-obsessed jerk, you're in ministry. If you're getting blocked and banned for neurotically and unkindly arguing with people on social media, just recast your childish keyboard warrior-ism as an "apologetics ministry." Boom!

Above all, if you start a pathetic ministry, be prepared to get very little support from non-pathetic ministries. They will mostly ignore you, but they might naively offer suggestions—or, heaven forbid, criticism—but just let those roll over you...like consistency off a Senator's conscience. Pathetic ministry is not for everyone, but you won't know until you try! But it won't take a prophetic ministry to know the more you minister to yourself, the less God will be pleased.

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