Why does my pastor preach from behind a puppy on Sundays?

The latest craze in seeker-sensitive churches has pastors preaching from behind a puppy, rather than from behind a pulpit. In most cases, such churches have entirely abandoned topics like sin, salvation, heaven, hell, repentance, morality, truth, and doctrine.

Since all they have left is cloying, self-serving nonsense, the next logical step is to keep people interested by waving cute little dogs around during the service. After all, if all you want from lost people is attention and money—and don't really care if they're saved or following God—then why not?

According to an anonymous source, Steven Furtick of Elevation Church is planning to take this method to the next level. Ushers in Matthews, North Carolina, were reportedly seen loading kittens into T-shirt guns in preparation for this Sunday's meeting. Furtick did not respond to our request for comment.