How can I recognize a static attack?

This is an important distinction that every cat owner needs to recognize. Cats have many ways of attacking. Some, like the wiggle-butt-pounce, are cute. Others, like the monster-under-the-bed, can cause real damage to unprotected toes. As a public service, NotQuestions presents the three most common static attacks.

Static Attack
This attack is not particularly painful, but it is highly effective and can be dangerous. It starts with you sitting down and ends with you sitting down six hours later with an unmoving cat on your lap and legs that have fallen asleep. How dangerous is this attack? Some say this is how the Egyptian Empire fell. The Romans—or maybe the Greeks—flooded Egypt with a whole herd of cats. They sat on the laps of farmers, soldiers, priests, and the pharaoh, rendering them completely static. In an attempt to not wake their new purry friends, the Egyptians stayed still and the Greek—or maybe Roman—army took over without a sword drawn.

Static Attack
The danger and pain of this attack varies greatly. It begins with a long-haired cat, a shag carpet, and a cool, dry day. Your cat will accumulate a great amount of static electricity, causing her fur to stick straight up. If you pet her, ZAPPP! That's the first danger. Further damage depends on the reaction of your cat. If she jumps straight up six feet and runs away, consider yourself lucky! If she charges, tiny paw blades exposed, and takes revenge on your arm—well, you deserved it.

Static Attack
The final form of static attack is less dangerous but it is painful and terribly gross. When you hear your cat producing a sound like the static screen on a TV station when its broadcasting day is over, look out! You're about to be presented with a nasty hairball. The pain part? That comes when you recognize the sound of a static screen on a TV station when its broadcasting day is over and realize you're old.

Thank you for reading the GotQuestions guide to static attacks. Remember the next time you're faced with electrocution, tiny blades of death, and a foul smell, you may think it's a satanic attack, but it's most likely your cat.

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