What are the Ten Commendments?

When Moses returned from the peak of Sinai, he carried stone tablets bearing the Ten Commandments. These were the basis of God's covenant with the nation of Israel. Recent discoveries among the Dead Sea Scrolls have revealed that Moses also brought down clay tablets inscribed with a different set of remarks from God: the Ten Commendments. These uplifting complements were meant to help Israel more effectively serve and worship God.

Early research has translated the Ten Commendments as follows:

I am the LORD your God, who loves everyone, but likes some things more than others.
I.     I commend those who ask what I think instead of telling me what they want me to think.
II.    I commend those who don't treat me like a genie; I'm your Creator, not your butler.
III.   I commend those who arrive for worship earlier than the middle of the first song.
IV.   I commend those who write worship songs featuring more than ten unique words, not repeating the same phrases over and over, not mindlessly chanting slogans from a self-help seminar.
V.    I commend those who enunciate my name correctly. It's pronounced [manuscript corrupted, this portion illegible].
VI.   I commend those who properly season a sacrifice before they burn it—mesquite is an especially pleasing aroma.
VII.  I commend those who wear shorts only in hot weather, and only bare feet under sandals.
VIII. I commend those who put pineapple on pizza [alternate translation: "those who do not"].
IX.   I commend those who need to read the rules on which bugs to eat. . .seriously, people, I gave you plenty of other options.
X.    I commend Moses for hauling these tablets down the mountain, especially since I know he's about to make a second trip [see Exodus 32].

Findings from this early research will be published after peer review.

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