What is the great cloud of fitness?

So, a couple of months ago I hurt my elbow. Probably because I foolishly lived past the age of 50. Then last week, I threw out my back. I started thinking, maybe I need to move beyond treadmill and weights and look into mobility workouts.

I think mobility workouts are for people who want strength and flexibility. People who want to be able to get up from off the floor when they're 60. What I don't need is to be the next American Ninja Warrior. I mean, that would be cool, but it ain't gonna happen. And, of course, I want an online program because reasons.

I didn't realize how many fitness programs were on teh interwebs. Sooo many fitness programs. All floating around there in the cloud like giant hailstones ready to knock me on the head and take my money.

I don't even know what they all mean. What is "Swole and Flexy"? Are those words? What's a "Walking Spiderman"? Why would Spiderman walk if he could swing? What's a HIIT? Is that when you hesitate before you punch someone?

Good grief, buddy, get some water. No one looks that cut without being seriously dehydrated.

They're so specific. This one for morning. This other one for evening. Special workouts for surfing or hockey or football. Prenatal, high-intensity, full-body, Golfers Over 60.

And what do I go for? One of the free YouTube videos? A subscription with detailed explanations? I am grateful there seems to be a dearth of brightly colored Lycra out there, but do I really want to get workout advice from guys who make Wolverine look like he has a dad-bod? If the video is labeled "Mobility for Beginners," why is the screenshot of a woman with her face pressed up against her shins? Or a man doing the splits?

Wow. I am never getting my leg up like that.

Strangely enough, I'm encouraged. It looks like there are endless videos on how I can pull muscles and slip disks—for free! And I suppose if someone has over 500,000 views, they can't be all bad, right? I mean, Hebrews 12:1 does say, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."

Although, I'm not sure we're talking about the same type of running.

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