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Who are the four horsemen of the apocrypha?

Who are the four horsemen of the apocrypha?


The Apocrypha are a series of works written very late in Jewish history, which were not considered part of inspired Scripture. Much later, certain groups adopted these books as part of their bibles, mostly to justify beliefs that can't be found in the Bible itself.

That doesn't mean the Apocrypha are totally without value. In fact, the recently-discovered Book of Housewife contains predictions which are eerily accurate. The writer sees a vision of the end times, including the appearance of four horsemen whose arrival heralds the end of common sense and basic economics. These Four Horsemen of the Apocrypha are not as intimidating as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, but they are significantly more irritating.

The relevant passage from The Book of Housewife reads as follows:
And there was a banner in the sky, and its letters were Mem-Lamed-Mem.

And beneath the banner, I looked, and behold! A pink horse, and under its feet four more pink horses, and beneath them sixteen pink horses. And its rider had a lipstick in each hand, and the name of the rider was
Mary Kay.

After this, I looked, and behold! A silver, damp, stinky horse who had never been truly cleaned. And its rider held aloft a rag and a bucket of water, and the rider cried out "No chemicals! No Chemicals! No Chemicals," and on the horse's flank was a name written, and the name was
Norwex. And behind this rider followed all manner of rashes, germs, and odors.

After this I heard a great flatulence, and I looked, and behold! A horse made of powder, gritty and filled with dust, and the horse was given the power to induce the bowels of men. And the powdery horse carried a rider, and the rider wielded a spoon and tumbler. And the rider's name was
Plexus, which in the common tongue is called Herbalife.

And I turned, and my eyes beheld a horse tightly bound in fabric, stretchy and garish. And its rider bore a great load of cloth, like the grains of sand on the sea, strange and stretchy and full of busy-ness. And when I saw it, my eyes were bitter. And the horse's name was hidden in the cloth in which it was bound, and its name was
LuLaRoe.

And I beheld, and the four horses and four riders were given power over the bored, the gullible, and the affluent. And they rose above the earth as a pyramid, and I beheld the base of the pyramid was like air: invisible, intangible, and mysterious.
Scholars are still examining the text to determine if these Four Horsemen of the Apocrypha have any connection to real-world events, or companies. Most likely, they are entirely fictional and have no bearing at all on any actual business that take advantage of people using false claims and bad business practices.

Most likely.



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