What can we learn from Axe?

Yes, kids, it's time for another story about the apostle Paul and his horrible body odor. We know how Paul's grooming habits became a stumbling block for poor Timothy and caused young Eutychus to stumble out an upper-story window to his death. We also learned that Paul had to use a smartphone with a stylus when his secretary would no longer take his dictation.

When last we left Paul, James, the half-brother of Jesus, tricked Paul into bathing days before Paul was arrested by the Romans. For his own safety, the soldiers transported Paul to the governor's quarters in Caesarea Maritima where he spent two years in custody. Eventually, Festus became governor. Unlike his predecessor, Festus was a fair ruler who wanted to work with the people, not threaten them into submission. He knew Paul was innocent, but he couldn't release him. He couldn't in good conscience allow that level of olfactory warfare loose in his new district. So he sent him to Caesar in Rome, instead (Acts 21—26).

Luke and Aristarchus accompanied Paul. After an uneventful few weeks, their ship sailed into a horrible storm. The rain poured and the waves tossed the ship about; for two weeks no one ate, let alone bathed. Finally, the crew and passengers washed up on the island of Malta while the surf crushed the ship into waterlogged tinder (Acts 27).

The people of Malta kindly cared for the castaways, providing a welcoming fire despite the rain. At one point, Paul reached over for a piece of firewood. A small viper that had been warming itself fastened to Paul's hand. But that was too close. Despite the rain, the snake was overwhelmed by the aroma, passed out, and fell into the flames.

The viper was incredibly deadly, and, not understanding the underlying reason of Paul's escape, Publius, the chief of the island, invited Paul and his entourage to stay in his home for a few days. Within moments, the leader regretted his invitation, but when Paul healed Publius' father, he knew he had to help. Small islands have very few fresh water sources. The people of Malta were used to conserving water during the dryer months. To combat the inevitable stench, they developed a perfume of sorts they called Axe Body Spray because it cut through the smell. Publius brought Paul down to his significant stash of cans and told Paul he could take however many he wished. Thanks to Aristarchus' and Luke's encouragement, Paul loaded up.

Of course, he was very judicious in his choice of flavors. He didn't touch "Anarchy" or "Excite" and certainly not "Dark Temptation." "Gold" reminded him too much of worldly treasures, and despite his love of sandalwood he couldn't justify using a cologne named "Apollo" for obvious reasons. Aristarchus encouraged him to take "Black" and "Ice Chill." Luke snuck in a few bottles of "Axe You," thinking it particularly ironic that anyone would confuse the fragrance of basil, black pepper, amber, and cinnamon with Paul's natural musk.

Ironically, Publius' generosity was largely instrumental in Paul's success in Rome. Although he was under house arrest, chained to a Roman guard, his apartments became a meeting place for travelers who followed Jesus as well as those who wanted to know more. Paul had a very rewarding two years before his release. This wouldn't have happened had Paul been allowed to continue in his previous aromatic state.

And, honestly, the cologne probably saved Paul and Luke's relationship. The stuff made Luke's eyes water, but he could stand to be in the same room with his friend. We don't know for sure, but we think Luke spent the time playing host to Paul's guests, catching up with Priscilla and Aquilla, and writing the Book of Acts.

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