Did Moses do the Pentathlon?

If you spend more time holding a remote than a Bible, you probably think Moses looked a lot like Charlton Heston when he confronted Pharaoh. Moses was actually 80 years old by then, so the leading role in The Ten Commandments probably should have been taken over by someone who looked more like Gandalf than James Bond. That misunderstanding might lead you to think Moses was a natural athlete—and you'd be wrong.

That's not to say Moses' life didn't have its share of parallels to a pentathlon competition. There have been many variations of pentathlon throughout history, but they always involve a lot of running, jumping, throwing, and the occasional pointy object. Some highlights of Moses'—ahem—"athletic" experiences would include:

Running from Pharaoh (Exodus 2:14–15). This was no sprint; it was a cross-country distance event, after Moses got caught committing manslaughter. Good on him, he got away and was able to come back forty years later. Still, "fleeing the scene" doesn't have the same ring as "seeking the finish line."

Tossing Logs (Exodus 14:25). We of Scottish heritage know about the Caber toss: it's basically lobbing a telephone pole after a running start. Pretty sure Moses wasn't balancing a 100-pound tree trunk on end…or wearing a kilt…but he did legit throw a log into a pond.

Climbing Mount Sinai (Exodus 24:18). That sounds cool, but "mountains" in that region are what people in Tennessee call "hills" and the Swiss consider "speed bumps." Plus, it took Moses more than a month to make the round trip…which doesn't seem likely to qualify for an Olympic final. Then again, dude was 80 and still had both his original hips.

Hurling stone tablets (Exodus 32:19). If you set your DVR by muscle memory but can't find the book of Exodus without a Table of Contents, you probably think the Ten Commandments were written on granite slabs the size of tombstones. We're not actually sure how big they were, but we do know Moses managed to yeet them into gravel when he saw the house party Aaron threw while he was gone.

Lifting bronze snakes (Numbers 21:6). It involves lifting, a pole, metal, and lots of people watching. Close enough, since I'm getting tired of looking for examples.

Some incidents in Moses' life don't count, even as parallels. For example:

Kayaking (Exodus 2:3). Yes, we know, the movies always show newborn Moses whitewater rafting in a tiny canoe past crocodiles and confused birds before floating right into an Egyptian princess' arms. Read. The. Book. His mother was trying to protect him, not make him a crash test dummy. She "hid" him in a floating basket in the reeds on the edge of the river—she didn't punt the baby downstream in a picnic basket and hope for the best.

Throwing his staff (Exodus 7:10). First of all, couch-dweller, Moses didn't actually do this—Aaron did, when Moses told him to. At best, that makes Moses like the guy in the boat who faces the wrong way and nags the rowers who do the real work. Still, some pentathlon competitors throw shot put, discus, or javelin a long distance. Aaron tossed a big stick and it turned into a snake. Olympic rules aren't clear on whether the distance slithered by a transmogrified object is added to the original throw.

Crossing the Red Sea (Exodus 14:21–22). It takes an Olympic-level swimmer 47 seconds to swim 100 meters, and about two hours to go 6 miles. If an octogenarian walked those speeds at the mall, you'd congratulate him for not holding up the line, but you wouldn't hang a medal on his neck. Reaching a brisk walk next to the pool doesn't compare to actually swimming through it.

Holding up his arms (Exodus 17:11–12). Yes, it's really hard to hold your arms out at your sides for a long time. Not so much when you're allowed to sit down and two people literally hold your hands up for you. But hey, we give medals to the person sitting on the horse, not the horse doing all the tricks, so anything goes, I guess. Still hard to call this a feat of endurance.

Moses was many things: a statesman, prophet, and leader. He was not, so far as we can tell, especially athletic. Other than successfully running for his life and breaking religious relics, most of his physical exploits involved help or weren't that impressive to begin with.

No, Moses wasn't the kind of guy who'd participate in a pentathlon, but he's exactly the kind of guy you'd expect to write the five books known as the Pentateuch.

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