Who was Punches Pilates?

Punches Pilates was a Roman fitness guru, credited with developing an eponymous form of what we now call Tae Bo. This was a vaguely militarized version of standard cardiovascular exercises. Rather than focusing on awkwardly tight leotards or core muscles, Punches Pilates mostly involved rhythmically flailing one's arms while wearing a toga.

Punches Pilates was rumored to have been the personal trainer to the governor of Judea, Pontius Pilate, a man best known for having Jesus of Nazareth crucified. Pilate was not eager to do this, and would have preferred to simply let Jesus go.

According to some Bible interpreters, Punches Pilates explains the Roman governor's initial, low-key approach to Jesus. As modern legal savant Elle Woods once said, "Exercise gives you endorphins; endorphins make you happy, happy people just don't shoot their husbands!" Or, in this case, seek to murder the Son of God.

Like modern Tae Bo, it's clear that followers of Punches Pilates didn't develop legitimate fighting skills. Pilate ultimately chickened out to the demands of the crowd, allowing Jesus to be crucified.

A minority of linguists suggest Pilate never meant to order Jesus to be "crucified," suggesting instead he was recommending Him for "CrossFit." The presence of a loud, obnoxious, overbearing crowd screaming "CrossFit Him!" certainly fits known habits of that sect, but this is considered unlikely, mostly due to the governor's clear preference for Punches Pilates.

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